Shadows

There are days when I do not have the energy to get out of bed. When slowly I stop showing up in my life. It is not that my life is terrible, it is just that my shadows take a hold of myself. Lately this fear that shows up every so often in my life visited me again. The fear that nobody could love me or accept me fully. When I get angry I yell and scream and become very reactive. My fear makes me believe that anybody that gets to see that side of me could never recover and I am forever tainted in their eyes, I am not loved, I am rejected. Those thoughts get me in my shell until I realize I am hiding again. I used to ignore those fears or try to fight them; tactic that usually resulted in a down spiral of emotions with no end. Now, After I become aware of the paralyzing fear, I allow myself to stay there for a little bit. I do not fight the dark mood or the lack of energy to exercise, I just allow myself to be. I try to befriend my shadows, let them whisper in my ear and my heart their sounds long enough to remember … I am not my shadows, they are part of me but they do not drive my life. Afterward, slowly, almost without me knowing I come back to life. I feel the love of my family, the desire to live and not just survive. I get to love everything I do no matter what it is. Admiring the beautiful lake or have a long day at work. Everything seems to fall into place … Tho, now I know my shadows come back … with no timeline, an hour, a month or a year later. It does not matter how long it takes. I know, nothing lasts forever … My shadows remind me that I get to live deeply and to enjoy every moment of my life for what it is, a gift. After all, even when my shadows visit me, they love me and life’s worth living.