I am so lucky to have amazing support, people who showed me things on a different light. I changed from beat up mode to healing mode. In beat up mode the cycles of self-harm persist over and over. In healing mode we still feel the grief, the dark, deep rooted pain, tho if we allow ourselves to share that raw pain. Accepting love and support from the people around us, it creates a huge wave that crashes in and ultimately, resides. I didn’t think I was strong enough to feel the incredible pain caused by my brother’s departure, I really thought I would die if I let it all come to the surface. I was immersed in so much guilt and shame, there was no room for healing. Allowing the space with the people I love to not only share but explorer and shift from guilt to love and connection. Seeing myself through the eyes of others created the space for healing. I know I can’t have my brother back, but I can recover myself and my family. I have worked on forgiveness for 21 years, every time there is something different in the layer that I uncover. I do not know if I have learned everything I need to know from this crazy experience but I know I am making progress! As one of my precious friends reminded me, I get to experience forgiveness and a release from the guilt. I can’t live in the space of “what if I had…”, that conversation doesn’t move us forward. There is a lot of love and connection that is possible with myself, my family and everybody I come in contact with, coming from love and connection instead of guilt and inadequacy. I am processing. I am sad, but without the feeling it will never end. I see the progress now, I am good …. <3