The more I am hurting the more I hide. I have written a few different attempts for a new post without success. I have been “pretending” to be fine, not really to deceive who is around but because I couldn’t really be with my feelings. The truth is I have been very lost, my parents health is very frail and I am terrified of losing them. I do understand they have been in this world for 86 years and their time to go is near. I understand that but it doesn’t make it less terrifying. I am learning to accept where I am. Learning to stop trying to make myself feel better, learning to be with the pain and accepting it as a real part of myself, my feelings. It is what it is. I have moments, I am not terrified 24/7 it is more like moments that sneak in when I least expect. Like, I am at the office talking to somebody and all the sudden a wave of panic swirls up from the pit of my stomach to my head. Sometimes I can breath and stay with the breath, other times I have to move and I go hide somewhere hopefully with enough time to meditate a little; which in most cases helps, while other times I do not seem to connect with my space. While other times I just power through hoping that I would not do anything silly or that nobody would notice. I remind myself, I have something to hold on to. I know that everything is temporary and transient, everything will pass, sometimes that is enough to get me through the day. While other times it is not, and I feel like I am going to be swallowed by the grief. Even tho, I know it will not happen … I am still trying to get use to this feeling, trying to let it be next to me and not inside me, I am trying to make peace with the loss of who my parents were and stay with who they are now without panicking about the future. Sometimes, sometimes that works … Nothing is forever, not even this feeling …