I keep recognizing the different patterns that I use to move forward when trying to get over difficulties I don’t know how to deal with. As grateful as I am for those patterns, some of them do not serve me anymore.

It has been a very interesting exercise for me to unveil and discover those patterns. I am sure people that know me well will read and say: “You could have asked me, I could have told you and stopped you from having to do all that work to arrive there!!” I am sure that is true. Tho, I was not ready to let them go until I was ready to see them. Even if somebody would have told me about them, it probably wouldn’t mean anything to me. My mind would have gone to: “sure, you do not like me or whatever else.” I have learned that if I am not ready to receive, it doesn’t matter how clear the picture looks, it is meaningless to me.

Now I am seeing my armor better as these life patterns:

  1. Moving away. Whenever I hurt somebody I move away to not see how much they “hate me”
  2. I always have to be right. No matter what it is I can debate you till the end of time or explode with anger and move away.
  3. From the previous point … I know it all. I know what is better for you, better than you do!
  4. I never cry, crying if for small minded people. Unless I like them, then it is an honorary act.
  5. I am a rescuer, I can tend to you when you need me. I will always be there whether you think you need me or not.
  6. I am a blamer, As my sister says: “The guilt never falls to the floor and It is not going to be me who picks it up!”

I am ready to let them go. Tho, I know it is not like I am done, let’s move on, they will never show up again. I know it is a process, sometimes I can see them and I can do something before they fully show. Sometimes I get to change my behaviour after it already started and sometimes I do not even realized I fall back into one. I am good with that, I am just moving to have less and less recurrences like the last one. I am grateful I am able to see them.

I have realized too, that letting the patterns go have to do with me forgiving the actions, the actions that show when the pattern presented itself either in the present or the past. If I can see it and feeling it without judging it, it gets easier.

I know it is a lifestyle and a lifetime of awareness and love .. and I am willing to give it try….