This morning I woke up with the same thought I did yesterday and the day before and the day before and I do not remember how many days before: “Yesterday I ate too much sugar, I drank too much beer, I haven’t exercise”. This morning I was more aware of where my thoughts were going, today I got the message that I was giving to myself: “One more time I have not lived to my expectation, one more time I am wrong, one more time I can not seem to be able to get everything right!”.
It finally dawned on me, I am at war with myself, I keep resisting, I keep swimming against the current. Yes, I want to reduce my sugar intake. Yes, I want to reduce my beer intake. Yes, I want to exercise on a regular basis and Yes, I am going to do all those things. But, right now, the fact is I have not. So far, waking up every morning with the same tune has not helped, in fact, it is the opposite of helpful. I just keep reassuring myself that I am not capable of doing any of those things. For years now I have read and meditated about a kinder approach. This morning I realized I had fallen into old patterns. Today I am saying yes to myself and my fears. This does not mean that I will keep the same behavioural pattern and I will not care to change it. Is the opposite, this means that I can reassure myself that I can do those things, that I keep making a difference that I keep making little changes. I am getting better at it, slowly, I would love to have it be magical … “puff” and all its done!! Wouldn’t that be wonderful? That is not the way it works.
Today I am reminded that everything is fleeting and cyclical. Sometimes I am really good about being healthy, sometimes … not so good.
My goal as I move forward is to try to remember that everything is a cycle and things are sometimes easier and sometimes not so much. Every time I have a choice to be kinder with myself and my choices. I am happy if the “good” times are a bit longer on every wave of the cycle.