All my life I have been pursuing something “better”, I am a self improvement project. From how to get better grades to how to have better relationships to make more money, etc. If there is something that I perceive as “wrong” immediately ask myself “how do I do it better or how can I change it for the better?” It can be a rat’s wheel, always looking for the good side to every situation, every problem, every relationship.
At this moment in my life I am learning that sometimes there is no better, It just is. I am learning that there is a real art on distinguishing between searching/doing something better, letting go and letting be.
I can get very reactive at times. I can get trigger very easily so I have spent the last six or so years learning to meditate, to calm my mind, to discover and know my body, my reactions, what triggers me, what makes me angry and how I can improve that. How can I change from reactive to active.
I am letting go of resentments. Resentments against myself for not being perfect, for having hurt people, for having at times taken what I wanted without seeing the consequences. I am letting go of every resentment I encounter in myself or at least I am having the intention of letting it go. I am learning to love myself and be compassionate.
Out of those lessons the most difficult one is to let it be. There is nothing to change, there is nothing to let go. My parents are 87 and 88 years old, they are at the end of there life, I do not know when, but I can feel them slip through my hands and my life. Slowly they are moving on. they have lived a long and fulfilled life. They have been married for 60 years and slowly, together, they seem to be moving on. There is nothing to do about that. I am grateful for their life, for what they lived, for what they taught. I am grateful they are my parents, I am who I am because of them. At times I am angry, resentful, lost, at times I am grateful, at times I do not know. I am sad and I love them profoundly all the time. Right now the only thing I can do is, let it be.