I just came back from visiting mom and dad. As I was saying goodbye to my father, a man that I have seen come back from the dead a few times, who has been strong and compassionate even in the face of excruciating pain, without being able to speak or move without help, not even for his most basic needs. A man that is such a fighter, at 86 years old he was still walking, talking and behaving as though he felt fit. A man that even after a stroke at 87 has not allowed us to determine what he is going to eat or wear or when he is going to rest. I have seen him cry every day, I do not know why. It is still terrifying to think that he is leaving this world and I will not be able to hear his voice again.
As I was saying goodbye, he cried. He never cried before when I was leaving. The previous times, he knew I was coming back, he knew I would move mountains to see him again. Not this time, this might be the last goodbye. I am not sure I am going to see him alive again. This brings such a huge amount of conflicting feelings. On one side I want to see him again and again and again, I would do anything to be able to have a conversation with him, with that guy that had the strongest of opinions, the one that would laugh at almost anything, the one that taught me that it doesn’t matter what … you dance, you keep fighting, you keep your principles, you keep your ideals, you never compromise who you are. He was and still is, a giant.
And at the same time I know he is suffering, he is in a lot of pain. Physical, emotional and mental pain. He knows what he has lost, I think he cries for what is lost and for what he thought he had lost. I want him to be at peace, I do not want him to stay anymore, the price is so huge. It is so painful to see him struggle, I am there for him. Tho, I feel at some point it is time to let go, to allow him to continue his walk into the unknown.I think he is ready to go.
I guess it is true, I am OK letting him go, I am just very sad he is leaving, and as he does he leaves a huge hole in my life. I know it is time, and I know I am going to miss him. I am back at home, back at work. I have been pretending to be OK, I am not OK, tho I am at peace.