En

Today I colored the skin of a lady in purple in my coloring book, Yes!! Such a simple act, it seems inconsequential. For me it was a huge step. As a kid I loved drawing, it was a very cathartic activity making things come to life in a page was magical. Coloring on the other hand was not part of my activities. At some point as a little girl I convinced myself that I was terrible with colors. So I stopped using color pencils, my thing was drawing just with a regular pencil. Tho, I longed for colors. At some point I even registered to a class on how to use colors. I went to the first class convinced I couldn’t use colors anyway so what was the point? I quit. My thinking was, I needed to use the colors correctly otherwise it made no sense to use them. Finally yesterday, I decided to use my coloring books. The ones I bought two years ago with the excuse that they were going to be for the little ones that come visit. I dusted the books out and I started by coloring the hair in different shades of pink and purple, tho, the skin, the skin had to be realistic so I didn’t use purple. Today I jumped out of the box. I didn’t listen to the little voice telling me “for the skin you have to use skin color of course! Skin is not purple!!!” Forget about the fact that I was coloring fairies, who knows which color is their skin!! And I used purple!! It was a very uncomfortable choice!! I really wanted purple skin, even tho, it went against all my “coloring instincts”. Even tho it seems such a little thing, I like celebrating even the smallest things that guide me to be more myself, less what I think I am suppose to be. Those little things that help me free of expectations, of fears of shoulds. Now I understand the advice about using your best china, your best clothing or perfume for no reason at all. Those little actions have help me break through the glass ceiling or boxes that I keep myself in. Those little boxes where, without noticing, I avoid risks and try to not fail. Today I celebrate freedom, one step at the time.

Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease about 20 years ago. We had been so worried about her disease that we forgot to love her. Just love her and be present for her, not only to take care of her. I have also been so focused on dad’s stroke I forgot to be there for that beautiful woman. That woman that has taken me a lifetime to understand, to fully see. I always remember her stoic, strong, always there, always ready for whatever was needed. Her temperament, her seriousness, her always pushing me to be better, nothing was good enough. All those rules about what a lady does or doesn’t do. Her way of worrying for who needed her the most, so many times I felt that was not fair, everybody needed her. There were so many things in the way in my heart and my mind, I forgot to appreciate how amazingly special she is. I remember my house full of people, of course us we were seven kids that was more than enough adding to that, were our friends always around. I do not remember her complaining about having to feed all of us plus one, two, three more people very often, sometimes daily. She was always kind to my friends, most of them remember at least once when mom did something extra special for them. Like picking them up when we were in junior high because they were sick and both of their parents worked, or making their favorite dish to celebrate their birthdays, or praying with them because something was going wrong in their lives. I was so worried about what was going wrong in my life that I let go of the things that were so right and my mother has been so right in my life. ...

I just came back from visiting mom and dad. As I was saying goodbye to my father, a man that I have seen come back from the dead a few times, who has been strong and compassionate even in the face of excruciating pain, without being able to speak or move without help, not even for his most basic needs. A man that is such a fighter, at 86 years old he was still walking, talking and behaving as though he felt fit. A man that even after a stroke at 87 has not allowed us to determine what he is going to eat or wear or when he is going to rest. I have seen him cry every day, I do not know why. It is still terrifying to think that he is leaving this world and I will not be able to hear his voice again. ...

All my life I have been pursuing something “better”, I am a self improvement project. From how to get better grades to how to have better relationships to make more money, etc. If there is something that I perceive as “wrong” immediately ask myself “how do I do it better or how can I change it for the better?” It can be a rat’s wheel, always looking for the good side to every situation, every problem, every relationship. ...

Until recently I have been very closed of, I feel very intensively and I have very strong opinions and if you are at the opposite end of my opinion I had never been afraid of let you know … But that is not real communication, that is not opening my heart and sharing from a loving, open perspective my hurts, my likes and dislikes, what makes me tick. Very rarely I share when I have been hurt, I mean it is obvious because I am like an open book, you can read any emotion. But you would not know why. Until very recently I never thought I had the right to “feel” and to let you know. I always thought that loving somebody meant that I had to “take” anything and be there for the person regardless if I was been hurt, emotionally hurt or if I was not been heard, etc. ...

My life has been evolving. I’ve used every resource I can find, from meditation, change of perspective and kinder self talk to appreciate everything that is around me, the good and the bad. Things that used to seem bad I now see as growth opportunities and part of understanding the world around me. This process is a way of life, a change in attitude. It is not a destination, it is more a walk. I am seeing it as something that I will do and enjoy for the rest of my life. I am finding that there is always something new to learn, something old to shed and something to change and/or something to overcome. ...

This morning I woke up with the same thought I did yesterday and the day before and the day before and I do not remember how many days before: “Yesterday I ate too much sugar, I drank too much beer, I haven’t exercise”. This morning I was more aware of where my thoughts were going, today I got the message that I was giving to myself: “One more time I have not lived to my expectation, one more time I am wrong, one more time I can not seem to be able to get everything right!”. ...

Lately I have been shedding a lot of my anger and resentment, it wasn’t until I started this process that I realized how much hurt the resentment was causing me. How much pain I have carried for the last 30 years of my life. As I removed each layer of anger, fear and resentment my life evolved to a more peaceful, kind existence. Do not get me wrong, I am not Enlighten, I still get angry, sometimes I even yell. Tho, this is happening less and less. The most important thing is I am more and more in love with life, all life and my life in particular. ...

I keep recognizing the different patterns that I use to move forward when trying to get over difficulties I don’t know how to deal with. As grateful as I am for those patterns, some of them do not serve me anymore. It has been a very interesting exercise for me to unveil and discover those patterns. I am sure people that know me well will read and say: “You could have asked me, I could have told you and stopped you from having to do all that work to arrive there!!” I am sure that is true. Tho, I was not ready to let them go until I was ready to see them. Even if somebody would have told me about them, it probably wouldn’t mean anything to me. My mind would have gone to: “sure, you do not like me or whatever else.” I have learned that if I am not ready to receive, it doesn’t matter how clear the picture looks, it is meaningless to me. ...

So many times I believe I “arrived”, I am in a better place. I can meditate and be at peace so beautifully, life is wonderful, everything is just amazing! My life, my job, my family, my friends, everything. and then something happens, anything really it doesn’t have to be a “big deal” just something that reminds me of something else or it rubs me the wrong way or who knows what! And BAM I am right back where I started. I feel like I have written a million times about this and it still surprises me every time! Sometimes it is just a small mistep and others I just fall flat face on the floor. It gets a lot worse when I start asking “What happened?” “What did I do wrong?” “How come I am back in the same place?”. That just creates an insane reaction that sometimes last a second and others what seems a lifetime! The truth is, I am in a different place, it is not the same as it was before, everytime it seems to be something different maybe related to the same thing but not really the same. It is a reminder that nothing is permanent, everything changes … it is just a reminder …