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I have been involved with the amazing possibilities of volunteering for a great organization, Momentum, that has supported me in making my dreams come true. Currently I am part of the coaching team for their Leadership class. As part of this class a couple of weekends ago there was a full weekend of magic. It was the same as when I was a participant this particular weekend before, it brought out so many emotions, for which I am grateful since it has giving me the opportunity to heal. Tho I am very immersed in that process, at this moment I feel a pain that I don’t think it’s going to end. I am hiding, I do not want to talk to anybody about it. How to tell them that my brother asked me for help the day before he killed himself. He wanted to go see a healer and I was too busy to take him, I was leaving the next day for a business trip and I had no time … And tho he made his choice; he had attempted suicide before (I learned that after his passing) … I can not help but wonder, maybe I could have done something different. I had been so angry at my mother and father because I believed they had not been there for him, for me, for us … now I think in a big part because I had not been able to feel the pain of betrayal; my betrayal for him. I was not a little kid, I was 26 years old and I did nothing to alleviate his pain. Consciously I can tell myself how he made his choice but deep inside I think I could have done more for him. I got used to his pain, I got used to his suffering and I stopped seeing it, it became part of his daily life and mine. I can tell myself how we grew up in the same home and I had my own pain, but that is an excuse, an excuse to the fact that even then I had learned to numb myself, I had learned to ignore the bad feelings. If we do not see it it doesn’t exist. I am trying to do something with my pain and I don’t know how. I keep reading all these “self compassion” books and I thought I was learning, it totally doesn’t feel that way right now … I am still numb … I love you. Thank you for give me a space and listen to my rambling ….

This weekend I attended a vulnerability workshop. I had the opportunity to share the room with a group of strong, courageous women. We came together in our path to become more ourselves. Having such wonderful company is always a fantastic way to dig deep down into my heart to find the pieces of myself that are hidden, I found a few new ones this time. Those pieces I found are not exactly new tho, I just saw them from a different perspective. I have had trouble with my temper most of my life. I used to think I had a problem with “anger management”. This weekend I figured out the problem is with shame. I was soooo ashamed of my anger it made me spin out of control. I always thought I was a “bad person” because I had a bad temper. I finally understood my downward spiral is because I didn’t think I had the right to get angry. I thought that is not what “good” people do, that it destroys lives and happiness. Now the question is what do I do with this new piece of information? The issue is not the anger, the problem is the toxic reaction to the anger. The more ashamed I felt, the more I wanted to suppress my anger, the more it exploded!! I am working on accepting and expressing my anger, this is a practice. In the best of days I can feel the rage building up then I snapped, afterward I sit and feel my body shaking uncontrollably, sometimes I cry, and I just let my body move back and forth allowing the tears flow. There are days when I retreat to my “old” habits, if I am lucky I catch myself blaming and I reel back .. I recite something like “I am angry and that is ok” until I am able to think what to be grateful for in that moment. If I am not lucky the shame, the toxicity comes back … I am working on allowing myself to feel all my emotions. I am a complete, complex person, as we all are, with a full range of emotions. I am learning to love myself, all of me, all the pieces even the “inconvenient” ones … to show up in the world just like me, as my full, complete self ….

I had the amazing honor to see Margot Lee Shetterly live presentation at Microsoft last Friday. What an incredible opportunity. I love the way she gives voice to the amazing African American scientist women from the 60s. How Morgot touched my heart not only with the story which stands by itself, but especially with the passion she expresses when she talks about Katherine G. Johnson, Dorothy Vaughan and Mary Jackson. I was in tears hearing her talk, how in the face of tremendous injustices and what by all means should have been impossible goals, Katherine, Dorothy and Mary would not take a NO for an answer. No one would have ever blamed them for giving up. In fact, that is what was expected from them, to not even think about succeeding. It was inconceivable for them to be the brains of NASAs trip to space AND back!!! The word NO was not part of their vocabulary. Even now, Katherine did not understand why her story was out of the ordinary, she was only being herself. What a gift to show us what being yourself can accomplish. Thank you Katherine, Dorothy and Mary for being yourselves and to show up in your lives. Thank you Margot for making sure their stories were not kept in the dark, thank you for giving to the next generation of African American women and women in general inspiration to pursue their dreams no matter how impossible they seem. I am grateful to know their stories and for have had a glimpse to their lives through the amazing Margot’s eyes.

There are mornings I wake up smiling, and I sing and dance all day long!!! There is nothing like singing and dancing to keep my spirit up! I grew up dancing all the time! Not ballroom dancing, just joyful, carefree, party movements from cumbia to quebradita to whatever my body felt like doing!!! I always felt a bit out of place since my sisters were awesome at it!! Aida used to teach me all kinds of different types. She is great at leading and following! Gosh, just imagine spending 10 hrs a week dancing!!! What a pleasure, right? Not only is therapeutic it is an awesome exercise!!! I think I would be in optimal fit and health if I was still doing that! My awesome husband finally took pity on me and we started dance lessons. He used to think he didn’t like dancing and he couldn’t learn how to (since he believed he had 2 left feet =D ) instead he is finding out it is such a wonderful thing to experiment with. He is still a little shy because leading is a lot of work, thinking where to go, which is the next move and keep track of me! I am a lot of work!! But, he actually is good, if he could only relax, laugh and enjoy it without thinking he has to be awesome at it …. it would be the best ever!!! Tho, little secret, for me is already the best ever. Every class I smile widely, there are very few things in life that can lift my spirit like dancing and singing does …. Of course, I can not sing, mom used to say we, siblings, sounded like frogs in a puddle whenever we sang!! And we used to sing all the time!!! I think she just wanted a little bit of peace and quiet, who can blame her!!! Mom is really the best! Do you want to smile widely and feel life vibrant on your skin? Sing and dance like no body is watching!

 https://youtu.be/XlmFF4ksqYQ Hi, my name is Fabiola. I grew up in a colorful, fantastic, full of history place call Mexico,I grew up in an amazing home, crazy, o my god, crazy, full of laughter, full of noises, shhhe I mean, really, did you want to get rowdy, that was the place to go. Did you wanted to sit down and study and have a quiet moment, never, never done that because never was a momento of peace in that place. But if you wanted to have your spirit lifted, like really have that warm and, something that really really (wated to lift you?…) that’s the place you wanted to be, exactly there. I went to college, I got a job and I met my husband, well he wasn’t my husband back then obviously. I met this amazing man from Seattle, WA. So eventually I moved to Seattle and the place is marvelous, like beautiful, mountains, lakes, amazing. The people are really wonderful buuuut there is something called Seattle freeze and that is really not a joke is for reals. Amm people on the street actually see you coming and kind of look away a little bit making sure you don’t make eye contact otherwise they might have to say hi or smile or something. And no, that is really not for Seattle people. So, I found myself really getting like involve, I really wanted to fit in, I sooo wanted to fit in. That was in a new home, my new place, I had this amazing family. I really did not want to lose that. So, instead on the way to that I Lost myself. I totally become, became somebody that I was not. I dressed like a person from Seattle, I tried to speak like a person from Seattle. My home is a beautiful place that really just has like one picture that will ever tell you that I am from Mexico. And I even said Mexico instead of Mexico, did you see that? So, I found myself realizing that I was losing so much on that, in not being myself, my mexican self. That right now I reclaim who I am. Mi nombre es Fabiola de la Peña Robinson y soy orgullosamente Mexicana! (My name is Fabiola de la Peña Robinson and I am proudly mexican)

There are days when I do not have the energy to get out of bed. When slowly I stop showing up in my life. It is not that my life is terrible, it is just that my shadows take a hold of myself. Lately this fear that shows up every so often in my life visited me again. The fear that nobody could love me or accept me fully. When I get angry I yell and scream and become very reactive. My fear makes me believe that anybody that gets to see that side of me could never recover and I am forever tainted in their eyes, I am not loved, I am rejected. Those thoughts get me in my shell until I realize I am hiding again. I used to ignore those fears or try to fight them; tactic that usually resulted in a down spiral of emotions with no end. Now, After I become aware of the paralyzing fear, I allow myself to stay there for a little bit. I do not fight the dark mood or the lack of energy to exercise, I just allow myself to be. I try to befriend my shadows, let them whisper in my ear and my heart their sounds long enough to remember … I am not my shadows, they are part of me but they do not drive my life. Afterward, slowly, almost without me knowing I come back to life. I feel the love of my family, the desire to live and not just survive. I get to love everything I do no matter what it is. Admiring the beautiful lake or have a long day at work. Everything seems to fall into place … Tho, now I know my shadows come back … with no timeline, an hour, a month or a year later. It does not matter how long it takes. I know, nothing lasts forever … My shadows remind me that I get to live deeply and to enjoy every moment of my life for what it is, a gift. After all, even when my shadows visit me, they love me and life’s worth living.

It is wonderful to belong to a loving, connected circle of women with whom you can be yourself and share your most inner thoughts without fear. Where you can explore any and all ideas no matter which direction they take you. What an amazing opportunity to grow personally and spiritually. I am inspired to pursue my healing inner calling and open myself to a new way of viewing life and all it has to offer.

Testing what this is about!!! By me!!!

Mi nombre es Fabiola creci en mi maravilloso Mexico. En una casa llena de amor, de ruido y de alegria. Con 6 hermanos, eramos 7 niños bulliciosos. Dato curioso cuando yo estaba en la primaria, mi hermana la mas pequeña estaba en el kinder, mi hermano en la secundaria, una de mis hermanas en la prepa y 2 mas en la universidad!! My name is Fabiola I grew up in my wonderful Mexico. In a house full of love, noise and joy. I had 6 siblings, we were 7 rambunctious kids. Curious thing when I was in elementary school, my youngest sister was in kindergarten, my brother in middle school, I had a sister in high school and 2 in college!

Bienvenidos a este rinconsito donde exploro la vida, valores y cualquier tema que venga a la mente! Welcome to this corner where I explore life, values and anything and everything that comes to mind